He’s been married TWICE before…!

wedding cake coupleI recently heard a woman say, “I’d rather stay single for the rest of my life than to be someone’s THIRD wife!”  She had just met a man that told her he has been divorced twice.

Be careful with statements like these.  It probably stems from your need for everything to be perfect, movie-like or fairy tale-like.  The reality is your future husband MAY have been married before.  And that is OK.

It is not a red flag that he has been married before.  The REASON that it did not work out, however, could be a red flag.

People get divorced.  Sometimes the fault is on one of them.  Sometimes it is both of them.

People learn from their mistakes.  Some men are BETTER husbands because they know exactly what they did wrong in their previous marriage.

You can have a preference on wanting someone who hasn’t been married before.  But I recommend never ruling out an entire category of people by saying “I will NEVER date” so and so.  Not wise.

You don’t know the package that your mate will come in.  You also do not know what he will have endured, gone through, suffered or overcome.  But he will be a great fit for you NOW, despite his past.  So give him a chance and don’t prejudge anyone.  Find out more before you decide anything.

That is all I am asking.  Ask the questions and see what you learn before you decide.

Check out this show I did a few years ago with a life coach that works with divorced men.  LISTEN HERE

And don’t forget, you are also not perfect.  Your guy will have to put up with and deal with your former mistakes, issues and areas.  But hopefully you have grown and matured from your past.  Give him the same courtesy.

Isn’t it time for YOU to find LOVE?  Join Kiki in her Married in 2 Years or Less Program.  Visit http://www.kikistrickland.com/program for more information.

As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797
a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

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You’re CRAZY to date him!

Check out the new series from Dating Coach Kiki Strickland called “You’re Crazy to date Him!”essence-com-photo
photo credit Essence.com
As a dating coach, I meet with women who are seeking to improve their love lives and finally meet the Right One, get engaged and start a family.  Over the years I have heard all kinds of stories.  One frequent story I hear from ladies looking for Mr. Right is that they have been wrapped up in a warped relationship with Mr. Wrong!
And sadly sometimes this relationship is with a MARRIED MAN.
They know this is wrong and that they should never have given him the time of day (unless they didn’t know that he was married initially, in which case they were fooled) but usually they are having a hard time ending the relationship with him.  In some cases they have been seeing him for YEARS.
And they realize on some level that being with him, or rather NOT being with him in the relationship that they want and need from a man, is one of the reasons that they have not been able to find the right man.
If there is any situation where you are crazy to keep seeing him, this is the one!
Here is what I say about you with married men:
– he had the nerve to give another woman YOUR ring and make a commitment to HER not you, then tries to come around you PART-TIME while giving her full-time love.
You are a secret
You get his leftovers
You don’t think highly enough of yourself to demand 1st place in a man’s heart
You have accepted second place
You believe in a man who has made lying a daily thing (to his family and to you.  Don’t think for a second that he is 100% honest with you about their relationship, he isn’t.)
Neither of you are being respected and cherished by him
You deserve better
To all the ladies that come to me caught up in a cycle with a taken man – whether he has a girlfriend or a fiance or a wife or he just won’t commit to you after all this time – I advise them to cut it off immediately.  The relationship has been a waste of precious time.
How can God bring you the gift he has for you when you are involved in the degradation of a marriage?  What room do you have for the man that is going to love and cherish you and commit to you when your heart is entangled with a cheater?  It does not end well.  End it now before it gets worse.
Once you set yourself FREE from that dead end relationship, you will come alive again, your spirit will soar, the blinders will be taken off and you will finally be on your way to true happiness with the RIGHT person.  Amen!
If you want to be married within the next two years, join me in my Married in 2 Years or Less Program at http://www.kikistrickland.com/the-program.
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 

Ask Kiki – I want to break up but my family loves him…

runaway bride

As a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through.  I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues.  I have changed the names to protect the identities of the parties involved.  Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.

Question from Haley*:

Hi Kiki, This is very hard for me because I feel like my family is going to throw a fit when I tell them I want to break up with my boyfriend.  They think he is The One for me.  But I don’t.  I would like to see other people but I know everyone, including him, my parents, my brother and the dog (LOL) is going to be upset with me.  He is a nice guy and I understand that but I don’t love him. Everyone is hoping we will get married, except me.  What should I do?  Thanks.

Hi Haley,

Thank you for the question.  I will get right to the point.  Even though I recommend going out on a few dates with someone you are not initially attracted to see if any chemistry develops, I do not believe in continuing long-term with someone that you are not feeling.

Don’t marry him.  If you are not feeling it, it does not matter what anyone else wants.  Your parents, brother, dog, neighbor, etc. will not be the one in the marriage to him.  It will be YOU and him.  And if you are not down with this program, you need to let him know and stop wasting his time.  If he is open to backing up and seeing other people, do it.  But if he says it’s all or nothing, be prepared for your family to be confused and upset.  But they will get over it.

Now if there really is nothing wrong with him and the problem is YOU, we need to talk.  If you are always running from great guys and hooking with the guys who are NOT good for you, that is another story and we should work together to find out why you keep doing that and if you have some fears surrounding marriage/commitment.  You could be sabotaging yourself, as many women do.  That is what a dating coach is for – to help you navigate this thing called dating to get you to where you really want to ultimately be in your love life.

But if it is not you, move on from this guy.  Good luck with finding the One you do want to marry.  Keep me posted!

Thanks,

Kiki

Do you want to be married in two years or less? Contact me today!

 
As Seen In EBONY Magazine
photo
Kiki Strickland
Married in 2 Years or Less Dating Coach
 

Check out our events coming up, including our Love Attraction Retreat – a cruise in December!!!  Visit http://www.kikistrickland.com for more information.

How she met her husband

weddingcouple2

Hi Ladies,

I am doing a new series for my blogtalk show “Dating Talk with Kiki Strickland.”  For this series I am interviewing married women on how they met their hubbies.  I know many of you single ladies want to know HOW to find your Mr. Right and that is what I am here for.  In my coaching practice we figure out WHERE the type of men you want to date are and how to meet and start dating them.  I am there every step of the way to help you navigate the process from dating to engagement to marriage.

This new series will provide you with more knowledge on where and how YOU can meet your future mate.  It always helps to hear others’ stories, be inspired and know that it WILL happen to you next.

Listen to the first show HERE with owner of Caressence Therapeutic Massage, Mrs. Nichole Ruffin and how she met her husband Lewis on Saturday at 9AM.

If you want to be married in the next two years, contact me today!
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 

Ask Kiki – Dating Q and A – Rochelle

Ask Kiki banner2

As a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through.  I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues.  I have changed the names* to protect the identities of the parties involved.  Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.

Do you want to be married in two years or less? Contact me today!
 
As Seen In EBONY Magazine
photo
Kiki Strickland
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
 

Question from Rochelle*

Hi Kiki,

Hopefully you can give me the advise I need to do one of two things. I know what my heart wants and he cant give that to me. Here’s whats going on. I met a man on a dating website almost 7 months ago. About two months a go we introduced our children and have begun doing a few outings with the kids maybe every other weekend which to me is a big step. At the 5 month mark I brought up the idea of us being in a commited relationship and he laughed it off and said we’d talk about it later. Granted he is horrible at talking about his feelings I did tell him I would give him some time to think about what he wanted to say but that I was not going to completely forget about the topic. I let it go for a month and brought it up again. The answer I got was… Im just not ready and I dont know how to explain why. A month ago I found him on the same dating website I met him on. He told me his account was private and that he was only on it to message someone back, “he was being nice”. SO, I created a fake account and about an hour later he messaged the fake person who he didnt know was me all the way up until he asked her to meet him for drinks. I know that right there shouldve been a sign but I have put so much into this already to just emotionally back out of it. I have tried 2 times to walk away and he pulls me back both times. When he found out it was me he was talking to not the fake person i had put on the account he said sorry and didnt think it was a big deal becuase he was only talking to girls and “we arent together”. Every since then he’s deleted his accounts “because i asked him to” and I cant seem to trust him. We had the commitment talk again a few days ago and I got the same answer… im just not ready. I explained to him that we’re basically playing pretend. I’m at his place 5 nights a week sometimes more. We spend weekends together, he talks about moving in together but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now…we met on a dating website! PLEASE HELP ME! Thank you and God Bless.

Kiki:  Hello Rochelle and thanks for sharing.  Sorry to hear about your dilemma!  But he has already given you your answer, you just do not want to hear it. He told you point blank that he does not want a committed relationship with you. He even demonstrated it by still seeking to meet other women. So what is your question? If you are asking if you should continue to date someone that isn’t committed to you, my answer is no.

Unfortunately women think that if a man likes being around her and is having sex with her, he will eventually change his mind about commitment.  The man usually does not.  You are talking about moving in together but he is not committed to you and he has been clear on that.  He thinks you are clear on that since he has told you this.  If you want someone that wants you as a girlfriend and eventually a wife, I suggest moving on from him.  Now!

I know that it is easier said than done, so if you need help moving on, I am here to help.

Good luck!

Kiki

Singles, send your questions to ASK KIKI at info@kikistrickland.com and yours may be featured in this blog.

Happy Dating!

For other dating advice, events and more, visit http://www.kikistrickland.com

‘Settling’ is not a dirty word

At my ‘Dating in Your 40’s” seminar last night I mentioned a book called Marry Him…The Case for Settling for Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.

Here is the Amazon.com description of the book:

marry him book

The controversial national bestseller!

Nearly forty and single, Lori Gottlieb faced the unthinkable: she’d wasted her best years chasing an elusive Prince Charming who might not even exist. Meanwhile, her friends who’d “settled” for Mr. Good Enough ended up married to excellent husbands and fathers.  This is an eye-opening, funny, painful, and always truthful in-depth examination of modern relationships and a wake-up call about getting real about Mr. Right.

One of the thing this book points out is how in your 20’s and early 30’s you date and you aren’t that serious and you think that there will always be someone better to come along.

And since you have plenty of prospects, you think you will always have plenty of prospects.

But, the book points out, now you are in your 40’s and while you are still holding out for the 10 that you think you deserve (because you were a 10 in your 20’s, right?), you haven’t quite realized that you are no longer a 10 in men’s eyes.  In fact, you may have dropped down to a 7, without realizing it.

So don’t turn up your nose at the 7s and 6s that approach you.  If no 10s are approaching, you may need to realize that 7s are your best option and pick one of them.

Some of you are offended that I called you a 7 because you believe you are a 10 and you believe that ALL women are 10s.

Well, let’s look at it like this… The Rock is a 10.  Shemar Moore and Michael Ealy and Morris Chestnut are the 10s that we all want to date.

But are the Michael Ealys of the world asking you out?

If you are only getting the Anthony Andersons or Don Cheadles of the world approaching you, then you need to recognize that is who is attracted to you.  Dating an Anthony Anderson is OK and may lead to a happy, fulfilling marriage.   I think Don Cheadle is pretty hot these days.  He may not look like Michael Ealy, but…so what?

In fact, who said that marrying The Rock or Shemar Moore would lead to happiness?

Maybe you would really be “settling” if you married a sought-after pretty boy who was gorgeous, but may not be faithful, attentive nor a great father.  Be careful that settling in your mind is not about looks.

If a man has the qualities that you are looking for, and you marry him, you are not settling.

But even if others do feel like you settled, so what?

Settling is not a dirty word.

It is being realistic and giving up the fantasy that the Perfect Guy is going to come along.  Saw that movie this weekend and it didn’t end pretty!

One of the ladies at the seminar last night mentioned she feels like some of her friends have settled to get married.

Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.  Maybe they didn’t marry their fantasy guy.  But maybe they married a guy that was close enough.  And how about this thought – maybe they were not their spouse’s fantasy either.

We women don’t realize that men ‘settle’ every day.  They may have wanted Halle Berry or a Gabrielle Union look-alike.  Is that you?  Probably not.  But men realize 1) that if they are attracted to you, 2) if you aren’t crazy, 3) if you are somewhat a nice person and fun to be with, they are willing to give it a try.  You may make a great wife and mother.  Even if you don’t have a six pack or a butt like Serena Williams.

We should be the same way.  Don’t be so quick to dismiss a guy because he is not Morris Chestnut.  Give him a chance.  See what he is about.

You just may realize that you aren’t settling at all.  You may have a real keeper.

Still looking for The One? Contact me today!
“Country’s Top Matchmaker!” – EBONY Magazine
photo
Kiki Strickland
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
 

Are You a Gold Digger for Wanting a Man with Money?

gold digger

Are You a Gold Digger because you want a man with money?

I have heard people (men mainly) throw around the term ‘gold digger’ for women who are interested in the financial status of the men they date.  What do you think about the term?  Who would you describe as a gold digger?

Here is what it says in the dictionary –

Webster says:  : a woman who becomes or tries to become romantically involved with a rich man in order to get money and gifts from him

Informal – a woman who associates with or marries a man chiefly for material gain.

From urban dictionary:  Any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits.  A woman who cares more about a man’s bank account than she does about the man.   The closest male equivalent is a gigolo or boytoy.

So, is a woman that has her own money but only wants to date a man who has more money than she does a gold digger?

No.

As a dating coach, I meet with singles about their love lives.  They tell me what they are looking for, what they need and want, and how things are going.   Many of you ladies tell me that you would love it if a man makes at least as much as you do (and you are making a LOT!).   Some of you want him to make more than you do.   There is nothing wrong with this.

It is ALSO OK if you do not make a lot of money but want to date and marry someone that makes MORE than you do.  That is not gold digging.

I believe that to be a gold digger, you must be trading or attempting to trade favors for monetary or material gain.  That means that you are with a guy who can provide ‘benefits’ for you or pay for things for you when you don’t really like him.  If you really do like him and not just with him for money, you are not a gold digger.

You are not a gold digger just because you go on dates with men and let them pay.  That is just silly.  (I had a woman tell me she never lets a man pay because one guy told her that women who go out with men and let them pay are just gold diggers.  Hogwash!).  A man should pay for your date, if he has invited you out on the date.  (And don’t worry, men who have money are not bothered by paying for your dates.  It is usually the broke men who want to call women gold diggers and derogatory names, when they don’t have any gold to dig anyway!).  Now if you expect the man that you date to pay your bills, rent/mortgage or car note, that is something else entirely.  Or if you think you are going to LIVE off the man you marry, despite what he wants, you may need to check your mindset.   (If he wants you to be a stay-at-home wife and you want to, that is fine!)

Don’t let anyone try to make you feel bad for having financial standards in dating.  If you make six figures and only want to date men who make six figures, that is your preference.  It may narrow your pool a lot, but if you are fine with that, fine.  If you make $40,000 per year and want to date men that make six figures, that is OK too, but keep in mind that they may want a woman that is similar to them is education, background and lifestyle.  You may not be what they are looking for.  But if you are, great!

Divas don’t play the gold digger role.  I talk about this is my e-book, How Divas Date.  A diva has her own finances and can support herself, usually very well.  But on the other hand, I also have a podcast series called “Meeting a Man of Means” that I offer in my web store for women that are looking for a man of status and wealth as a partner/husband.  Know what you want/need and stand by your decision, unapologetically.  And don’t let the term ‘gold digger’ phase you if it really doesn’t apply.

What do you think?  When is a woman a gold digger?  And are men ever gold diggers, too?  Comment here.

Happy Dating!

Still looking for The One? Contact me today!
“Country’s Top Matchmaker!” – EBONY Magazine
photo
Kiki Strickland
Matchmaker & Dating Coach