As a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through. I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues. I have changed the names to protect the identities of the parties involved. Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.
Question from Lucille*
Kiki, can you help me? What does it mean when a guy wants to be exclusive immediately? I have encountered two guys online that wanted to jump fast into a relationship. One wanted to be exclusive after the first date. Is this normal? Thanks for any insight you can provide.
Thank you for the question. You are not the first woman that has mentioned men who seem to want to get serious really fast – like before you even know their last name. I would be cautious when they start talking exclusivity before they really know you yet. It could be that they are running game – meaning they like to have women wrapped up into them fast, create false intimacy and exit just as fast as they came in.
Or it could mean they are insecure and feel needy and want to ‘claim’ you before anyone else can take you away from them, since they feel they have found a good thing.
Or they are in love with love and like the feeling the beginnings of a relationship brings – they love feeling like the woman is perfect and this is new relationship is the greatest thing on earth…which always starts to fade as soon as they see the woman is real with flaws and bad days and issues just like any one else. Then they are gone.
In any case, they are gone just as fast as they arrived most of the time.
I caution all women to take the time to get to know a man before you commit. How long is enough time? I would say at least date him for six weeks before you even THINK of seeing ONLY him and cutting off another potentials. Six weeks should mean about six or seven dates. You should NOT be seeing him every day or too much during one week. That is how the false intimacy starts. You spend a lot of time with him immediately and start to feel that you really know him when you don’t.
The Rules book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider has it right when they wrote Rule 13 – Only See Him Once or Twice A Week in the beginning stages. You can increase the time once you have known him longer but it should never be the majority of the week until you are engaged. Too much too soon definitely leads to problems.
I had one client that ignored this rule and saw a guy she just met for five straight days in a row. They were having great fun and even started planning a trip away together. I told her it was definitely too much too soon but she said that he was perfect for her and she thought he was The One. On the fifth day, after they had a fabulously long date, he told her he would call her the next morning. She never heard from him again.
Anyone can be Mr. Perfect or Ms. Perfect for a week. It is time that will reveal all – motives, intentions, the true character of a person, how they handle things, etc.
Steve Harvey also mentions the 90-Day Rule in his first book. He said you should not sleep with the guy for the first three months. This is BASIC advice. You are barely even scratching the surface on a person’s character in three months. I agree with Steve that intimacy should wait. In fact, I teach my clients to guard their hearts and not fall too quickly for a man. Let him prove he is who he says he is and prove he really feels about you how he says he does.
Some men will turn on the charm really quick by telling you you are The One and that he has never met anyone like you. He may say that he just knows that the relationship is ‘right’ and he wants to take down his online profile and for you to do the same. If you just met him yesterday, I would not agree to that. One client told me that an online guy she had not even met yet told her in the second phone conversation that he wanted exclusivity with her. He had not even seen her face in person! And he didn’t even live in her area.
Another client had a guy tell her he preferred to talk a lot on the phone to get to know each other before spending time in person, even though he lived nearby. He wanted to talk for HOURS on the phone about all kinds of personal issues and kept putting off meeting face to face. I told her he was trying to create a false intimacy. Men know that when you share your feelings and emotions with them, you feel close to them.
Don’t fall for that stuff. Make a sound decision after at least six in-person dates. After that it is OK to become exclusive with him to see where it is really going, but don’t start planning the wedding yet. At least stick to Steve Harvey’s 90-Day Rule on the physical stuff (I personally say wait even longer – wait as long as you can!!!) and observe him, learn about him, watch his behavior towards you and let him show you over time if this thing is going to work between you.
There is no need to rush. In fact, I say you should have two years.
As featured in EBONY Magazine
“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach
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