As a dating coach, I am often emailed questions about specific love life situations that single women are going through. I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues. I have changed the names to protect the identities of the parties involved. Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.
So I recently met a guy who is 16 years my senior (he is 53 years old). He has everything I want in a guy, loving, compassionate, great listener, caring, gentleman, financially stable, fun, and wants to be married. However, I do not find him attractive.
It’s hard for me to find guys in my age bracket that have those qualities and is willing to be in a monogamous relationship.
What should I do?
Kiki’s Answer –
Thank you for the question. I was just reading an article on Crosswalk.com about a woman in a similar situation. I posted it to my Christian singles group because this is a common issue. She was contemplating marrying a wonderful man she had been dating for a while, though she had no physical attraction to him. Her friends said she was crazy not to marry this guy as he was one of the nicest guys she’d ever dated and they thought he was a total catch. She was torn.
Often when we have been looking for a mate for a while and we finally find someone nice, we are willing to settle down with that person, though every thing we had on our ‘list’ is not met. In general it is a good thing to let go of the ‘list’ of other qualities/wants/likes we thought we needed if we find a person that has at least 75% of what we are looking for. No one is perfect. I dare say that no one has found 100% of what they thought they wanted (or even if they thought they had found it, later it became evident that the person did not really have all 100%).
I also often encourage women to give it a second and third date if they had a good time with a guy who asked them out and he seems like a decent man, even if there is no immediate physical attraction. Attraction can grow for women. Sometime we are looking for fireworks and sparks to fly instantly and are quick to stop seeing a man if it isn’t automatically there. Then as we get to know him, he can often become more attractive to us. BUT…if that has not happened after some time has passed, you should not continue with him. If you STILL find him physically unappealing and have no desire to touch, kiss or be intimate with him at ALL, he is not a match for you.
I am sorry to tell you that you have to keep looking. He may be a great man and make a wonderful husband. But if you don’t want anything physical with him, you will not make him a great wife! He needs a woman that feels attracted to him and will welcome his touch. You also need to be with a man that does start a fire going inside you. So no, he is not the one for you.
Unfortunately, more times that not in dating, a woman ONLY has that sexual attraction toward a guy and that guy that is so wrong for her, with none of the qualities she is looking for! So it is a shame when you find one guy that does have the qualities you are looking for, but for whom you have no attraction to. SORRY!
As a rule, I generally tell my clients that if you don’t feel an attraction toward a man after three or four dates, it probably isn’t coming. And it is not fair to either of you to keep going after that.
Let’s talk more at an in-person coaching session. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.