Ask Kiki – “I feel like I’m his girlfriend…”

Ask Kiki banner2As a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through.  I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues.  I have changed the names to protect the identities of the parties involved.  Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.

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As Seen In EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland
Married in 2 Years or Less Dating Coach

Question from Mina*

Hi!! I am writing to you as I am uncertain on what to do about my situation… I have been seeing my guy for a year now… We are exclusive and have both told each other we love each other but he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now… He says having a girlfriend will mean no free time… I feel like we are in a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship and he just doesn’t want to admit it… we have the best times hanging out together and the only times we do argue or fight is about the boyfriend / girlfriend situation… he keeps saying we are not in a relationship. But then I see both of us work on the little things we talk about to make us work out… I mean if we were not in a relationship why would either of us, especially him, work on trying to make it work, right? and then I tell myself that he knows I want a future with him and if he didn’t really want a relationship why would he still be around ? I guess I am confused on what I should do? I am usually a very strong woman but this craziness of we act like Boyfriend / girlfriend but he just won’t admit to it is making me insecure and very sad… Please help


Hi Mina,

Thank you for the question.  Unfortunately I have heard this all too frequently.  This is not going to be good news for you.  I am going to tell you what you are refusing to hear him say, even though he has told you directly to your face.   You started this question out saying ‘my guy’ but the truth is he is not your man.  Even though he is clear about what he wants and does NOT want, you are refusing to believe him because you want this to be a relationship.  It is not.  It is only a relationship when both people agree that it is.  You are living in a year-long one-night-stand that has not ended.   And it won’t end until you finally leave.  He does not want a girlfriend and he does not want a relationship.  He has said this over and over.  Yet you think that because he is sleeping with you and spending time with you and likes you a little bit that he will change his mind.  They usually do not change their mind.  One day you finally wake up and realize that he was never in a real relationship with you and you leave.

When we really want something badly, sometimes we refuse to look at the truth of it.  You are trying to make this into what you want.  But he is not going along with you.  He doesn’t see you as his woman and has clearly pointed out to you he does not want to be in a relationship.  You think he is confused, but it is you.  You have believed that because he is with you and maybe he has given you gifts, taken you on trips, possibly even said, “I love you.”  But even if he has done these things, if he still says “You are not my girlfriend” or “this is not a relationship” he means what he is saying.  He does not consider you his girlfriend nor think of the two of you as in a relationship.

You are going to have to decide whether or not you will stay in this type of non-relationship with you two ‘hanging out’ together but not being a couple.  If you want a real relationship with a man that wants you to be his woman and who wants to be your man, you will have to let go of this guy and find someone else.

I know this will not be easy to do, so I am here for you if you need assistance.  Value yourself more.  If a man does not want a real relationship with you, a committed and monogamous relationship, move on.

Good luck!


Singles, send your questions to  AND if you want to be married in the next two years or so, sign up for a FREE consultation on my Married in 2 Years or Less Program at

Happy Dating!



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