Chemistry vs Compatibility

In my dating coaching business, one of the main obstacles to overcome with clients is the perception that chemistry is more important than any thing else.  Clients tell me that if they do not feel a spark or fireworks or something strong on that first meeting/date, they are not interested in seeing the guy again.

“But what if he has ALL of the qualities that you are looking for?”

Here is what women say (in the beginning), “Well, that doesn’t matter if I am not attracted to him.”


Attraction can grow.  Chemistry can grow.  Chemistry and attraction can even get stronger over time.  What you have been looking for, incorrectly in my opinion, is a strong chemistry FIRST.  You want to have that instant, immediate sexual attraction and physical chemistry first and that is why you overlook the best guys for you.  Some of the best marriages started out as friendships or didn’t have that much attraction initially (for the woman).  But some of you don’t know this.   Even women that had that strong sexual attraction with an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband are still looking for that again – even though they know that wasn’t enough to sustain the relationship.

I teach my clients to know what they really NEED for the relationship to work.  Shared values, similar goals and lifestyles, compatible faiths, integrity, comfortable and enjoyable time together, financial stability, etc.  When you are putting too much value on physical chemistry, you may start to overlook these more important factors.  But these factors are what will make the relationship work well over time.  NOT the physical.  You can be physically attracted to the wrong type of man.  You can be physically attracted to men in the wrong age group.  But what you NEED is more than that.

Yes, you will need to be attracted to your husband.  But you don’t need to be instantly attracted to the man that will become your husband.  You may find him more attractive after you get to know him.  People start to look better the nicer they treat you!  It’s true.  If he is a good man with the qualities you have been looking for, the fact that you didn’t initially notice him in a crowd should not matter.

So get this, because it is very important and may be the reason that you are still single.  Stop judging men on instant chemistry.  Start looking for compatibility.  Wiktionary defines compatibility as

 The state of being compatible; in which two or more things are able to exist or perform together in combination without problems or conflict.

This is what you really want.  So forget about physical chemistry for the first couple of dates and find out if there is compatibility first.   If there is, see if the man starts to look and feel better for you.  Give it a little time.  If you feel absolutely nothing for him by the third date, you don’t have to have a fourth, but at least you gave it a real chance.

Sign up for a FREE consultation for my Married in 2 Years or Less Program at

Do you want to be married in two years or less? Contact me today!
As Seen In EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland
Matchmaker & Dating Coach

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