We shared the book. I called him several times and even asked him out to events. He said no. But I kept trying. Nothing he said seemed to deter me. Even the little voice in my own head that said, “STOP! LEAVE HIM ALONE!” was totally ignored. It was like I was a glutton for punishment. He was clearly not interested in me.
Why did I do this? I think I decided that he was just so handsome and so sexy and so smart that he HAD to be the one for me. Nevermind what he wanted. I was on autopilot. I chased him for weeks.
And eventually I GOT him. We started dating. He finally, after weeks (maybe months, I can’t remember now) of me badgering him, seemed to want to know more about me and invited me out on a date. We went on several dates. And I was on cloud 9! Well, partially. There was a part of me that was realizing that we were not very compatible. We did not share the same faith (which I said was important to me at the time but was ignoring because he was so cute), we did not share the same political beliefs (which was not as important but did cause several uncomfortable ‘debates’) and we didn’t even value the same things. Not a good fit, obviously. But instead of realizing that and moving on, I was STILL trying to make things work. I wanted it to work because I was more attracted to him than I’d ever been to anyone in my life.
Since he was now interested in me, I kept going. Then I discovered that he had been previously interested in another woman at the book club. I found this out when I mentioned to someone in the club that he and I had gone out on a few dates. The person was like, “Really? I thought he liked Melanie. He was pursuing her like crazy last year but I think she wasn’t interested.”
Of course that threw me for a loop. He had ‘pursued like crazy’ this woman (who I had met) and who was in our club. And since I was the one that had done all the pursuing, I was definitely immediately wondering what Melanie had that I didn’t and why he had obviously and unashamedly pursued her for all to see (apparently everyone in the club knew he had the hots for her!). I remember I was like, “Do you still like her?” and wondering if he was still into her even though we had started going out regularly at that point. He did assure me that she was in the past and that now he was into me, but whenever we were around HER I was watching like a hawk, of course.
Don’t play the FOOL! It eventually did not work out because I was really insecure about the relationship, felt like I was more in it than he was, and we were not even compatible in some major ways, which I had overlooked because I was so attracted to him.
I said all this to say that when you really find love, it is not going to feel like WORK to you as the woman. The man should be doing all the work (as he had done for Melanie, who didn’t give him the time of day). When the man is into you, you will know because he will let you know. Melanie had not done anything to get him to pursue her. And here I was practically stalking him to get him to take interest. And then I was insecure because I knew I had to MAKE him like me, when she didn’t have to do anything. And deep down I wondered if he would leave me if she ever did become interested in him, since she was obviously the one he wanted from jump street.
Ladies, the best love is the love that is offered to you first. With my husband, I could not get rid of him. He made it clear that he was interested, he was persistent and never gave up on me (even when I wasn’t acting right). The man should know that you are the one for him. I think that sometimes we let strong attraction or physical chemistry cloud our judgement. It is a mistake and I hope you will learn from mine and not pursue someone that is wrong for you just because you think he is FINE.
The right one for you will be a man (maybe one out of several) that is definitely interested in you first, reaches out to you to let you know of his interest (be it in person or online), and who doesn’t stop pursuing until you are his.
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