‘Settling’ is not a dirty word

At my ‘Dating in Your 40’s” seminar last night I mentioned a book called Marry Him…The Case for Settling for Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.

Here is the Amazon.com description of the book:

marry him book

The controversial national bestseller!

Nearly forty and single, Lori Gottlieb faced the unthinkable: she’d wasted her best years chasing an elusive Prince Charming who might not even exist. Meanwhile, her friends who’d “settled” for Mr. Good Enough ended up married to excellent husbands and fathers.  This is an eye-opening, funny, painful, and always truthful in-depth examination of modern relationships and a wake-up call about getting real about Mr. Right.

One of the thing this book points out is how in your 20’s and early 30’s you date and you aren’t that serious and you think that there will always be someone better to come along.

And since you have plenty of prospects, you think you will always have plenty of prospects.

But, the book points out, now you are in your 40’s and while you are still holding out for the 10 that you think you deserve (because you were a 10 in your 20’s, right?), you haven’t quite realized that you are no longer a 10 in men’s eyes.  In fact, you may have dropped down to a 7, without realizing it.

So don’t turn up your nose at the 7s and 6s that approach you.  If no 10s are approaching, you may need to realize that 7s are your best option and pick one of them.

Some of you are offended that I called you a 7 because you believe you are a 10 and you believe that ALL women are 10s.

Well, let’s look at it like this… The Rock is a 10.  Shemar Moore and Michael Ealy and Morris Chestnut are the 10s that we all want to date.

But are the Michael Ealys of the world asking you out?

If you are only getting the Anthony Andersons or Don Cheadles of the world approaching you, then you need to recognize that is who is attracted to you.  Dating an Anthony Anderson is OK and may lead to a happy, fulfilling marriage.   I think Don Cheadle is pretty hot these days.  He may not look like Michael Ealy, but…so what?

In fact, who said that marrying The Rock or Shemar Moore would lead to happiness?

Maybe you would really be “settling” if you married a sought-after pretty boy who was gorgeous, but may not be faithful, attentive nor a great father.  Be careful that settling in your mind is not about looks.

If a man has the qualities that you are looking for, and you marry him, you are not settling.

But even if others do feel like you settled, so what?

Settling is not a dirty word.

It is being realistic and giving up the fantasy that the Perfect Guy is going to come along.  Saw that movie this weekend and it didn’t end pretty!

One of the ladies at the seminar last night mentioned she feels like some of her friends have settled to get married.

Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.  Maybe they didn’t marry their fantasy guy.  But maybe they married a guy that was close enough.  And how about this thought – maybe they were not their spouse’s fantasy either.

We women don’t realize that men ‘settle’ every day.  They may have wanted Halle Berry or a Gabrielle Union look-alike.  Is that you?  Probably not.  But men realize 1) that if they are attracted to you, 2) if you aren’t crazy, 3) if you are somewhat a nice person and fun to be with, they are willing to give it a try.  You may make a great wife and mother.  Even if you don’t have a six pack or a butt like Serena Williams.

We should be the same way.  Don’t be so quick to dismiss a guy because he is not Morris Chestnut.  Give him a chance.  See what he is about.

You just may realize that you aren’t settling at all.  You may have a real keeper.

Still looking for The One? Contact me today!
“Country’s Top Matchmaker!” – EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland
Matchmaker & Dating Coach

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