Ever watch Judge Mathis, Judge Judy or the People’s Court? A surprising amount of the cases are old flames suing the ex for a sum of money they either loaned them, are out of as a result of something they did, or an instance where they cosigned for a major purchase. Sometimes even credit cards have been taken out on behalf of the love interest and now the person is trying to recuperate paying for someone else’s debt.
It never works out well unless there was a promissory note signed or agreement to repay.
Here is how it goes:
“Judge, the defendant owes me $800 for the cell phone bill that we had to put it in my name because his credit is bad.”
“I gave him $1000 toward the purchase of his car when his broke down and he had no way to get to work. He promised he would pay me $100 a month until he paid off the loan.”
Judge asks: “Do you have a promissory note or something in writing where he agreed to pay this back?”
Sometime they do have a promissory note or something in writing, and they WIN!
But usually they do not. They trusted the person. And now that they have broken up the person is saying, “That was a gift.” Or “She was paying me back for all the shoes I bought her – it wasn’t a loan.” Or “We BOTH used that phone, not just me!”
Unfortunately I have heard stories from single women who are involved with men who ‘fall on hard times’ or somehow get into a financial bind and need to be bailed out. One such woman is Natasha* who recently appeared on my blogtalk show to talk about her experience with loaning money to a man she was dating. Because things were going well and seemed to be moving toward marriage, she was open to giving him ‘help’ for the down payment toward a home he was going to purchase. She even helped him find a realtor and looked at homes with him, thinking they would eventually marry and live in the home together. Listen to her story here on blogtalk radio.
Should you do it? If you are falling in love with a man and he needs some cash til payday, what do you do? What if he is late on his mortgage and needs you to ‘contribute’ since you are always over there anyway?
Many of you are giving, trusting, possibly even naive in your dealings with men. You want to help. You are nurturing by nature. Or you are afraid if you don’t lend him the money, he will leave or break up with you. Let him!
It is my first thought that a man should never ask a woman for money. He should get it from his boys, his family, his boss – I don’t care who – but not his woman. I believe that if he is trying to woo her, he won’t even WANT her to know that he is having financially difficulty. Lending money – a no no! But if you are going to do it, definitely get something signed from him that he is going to pay it back.
In my ebook, How Divas Date, I talk about how in a lot of cases it is an older woman dating a younger man that tries to take advantage of her. Don’t let him!
PROMISSORY NOTE: noun – a signed document containing a written promise to pay a stated sum to a specified person or the bearer at a specified date or on demand. Dictionary.com
Only “loan” money when it is really a gift and you don’t NEED it back.
If it is going to make you feel he is less than a man or the provider you need, say NO. He should have other devices to turn to, including his mother/father/brother or best friend.
That being said, this doesn’t mean that if you are making a lot more money than the man you are dating, you cannot pay for the things you want the two of you to do. For instance, if you are used to travelling and plan to go on a cruise or trip that you know he can’t afford right now, pay for the both of you. It is what you want and you can afford to do so. Not a big deal. Don’t expect him to pay you back (but kudos to him if he tries) and don’t ever throw it up in his face later that he couldn’t go without your help. This is your treat. Don’t make him feel bad that his pockets are not as deep as yours.
In the DC area, there are a lot of sisters who are making over six figures and still alone because they think their man is supposed to also be making over six figures. Well…there just aren’t as many counterparts available. It is definitely OK to date a working class brother or blue collar man who is about something and treats you well. Don’t let money be the deciding factor, especially if you have lot already.
But on the flipside, don’t be an ATM for him or anyone. Not without a signed piece of paper with him agreeing to put those funds back into your account. (A lot of times if you have an email or a text where the person agrees they owe you, you win your judgement on People’s Court – FYI).
Check out more on this topic Sunday at 5PM on Should You Lend Your Man Money Part 2 on my Blogtalk Radio show.
*not her real name