The Case for Setting for Good Enough

I’m reading Lori Gottlieb’s “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” and while it is a bit depressing, I think she is on to something.  I had a similar idea for a book that I intended to call “Waiting for Denzel” but author Jimi Izrael has already used Denzel in his title (The Denzel Principle: Why Black Women Can’t Find Good Black Men). 

Both books have the premise that women are stuck in their love lives because they are searching for a perfect man that lives in their fantasies, but does not exist in reality.  They throw back perfectly GOOD men for the illusive Mr. Perfect and end up 50 years old without a mate.

Gottlieb has interviewed many married women and men and points out in her book that men do not have the same unrealistic standards that women have.  If they find a woman that has even 70% of what they are looking for, they will settle down with her.  However, a woman will dump a guy if he falls short of even one quality she is looking for.  If he has nine of the ten, she will break up with him, still searching for some guy with all ten.

In my matchmaking business, I do see quite a bit of unrealistic standards on the women’s side.   They are looking for Denzel, even though they themselves do not resemble Halle Berry.  And even if I bring them a man who is very similar to Denzel, but he is two inches shorter, they turn up their noses.

Of course men have their fantasies, too.  And they are picky.  A lot of my male clients only want to date a woman under a size 10.  But that is as far as they go on picky.  Any size under a 10 will do.  They aren’t asking for specifics in other areas, like the women.  The women want over 6 feet, good teeth, high-paying job, never married, no children, good looking, church-going, masters degree, etc, and the list goes on.  I think we should know what we want, but also be more OPEN to the average guy around us, not looking for this list of ‘qualifications’ which in the end may  not satisfy us anyway.  Who said a man with the items on that list is going to really make you a good husband?

My advice – pick two or three of the most IMPORTANT qualities, ladies.  If it is Christian and employed, let’s work with that.  You’ll find a much broader group of men that fit this, and you can choose from there.  But if you start with a list of 15 things, there may only be one of two men that fit that in your immediate vicinity right now.  And believe me – they are looking for Halle Berry.


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