Ask Kiki – I’m having trouble determining at the core if he’s truly interested in me or if I would end up like all of his exes if I were to date him.

teensAs a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through.  I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues.  I have changed the names to protect the identities of the parties involved.  Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.

Question from Abby*Ask Kiki banner2

Hi Ms. Strickland! I just read your article about why guys may not want to commit, and I thought maybe you’d be able to offer some advice. I’m still in high school, so I don’t know how much help you’d be able to offer, given the nature of teenage relationships. I guess asking you is worth a shot, though. My best guy friend, whom I’ve known for years, is someone I’ve been interested in for a long time, and in whom within the last year I’ve taken a serious liking to. It’s plain that he’s at least been mildly interested in me, too. The problem is, he dates a lot of girls, and his relationships have lasted no more than two months each. I’m having trouble determining at the core if he’s truly interested in me or if I would end up like all of his exes if I were to date him. I’m going to try to make this as short as I can. The story goes like this: In these five years of being friends with this guy, I’ve gotten very close to him and his family. We’ve experienced the loss of his father, and grown closer through attending the same church. He and his family have been very generous. Anything I or my parents have ever needed, they’ve done for us, no questions asked. His family is not at all silent about how much they want the two of us to be together. He’s tried making sexual advances, all of which I’ve shut down because of my lack of readiness. I believe that shutting him down lead him to think I wasn’t interested in dating him, because he moved on to some other girl, though prior to that he mentioned more than once that we should date. When I saw that he was interested in another girl, it was then that I let him know that I liked him. I regret having been too timid to tell him I was interested before that. Anyway, they dated for two months before he dumped her. Later that month he invited me to stay over so that we could hunt early in the morning. Again he tried making advances, and again, I shut him down. Stupidly, I gave him an ultimatum, telling him that either we’re just best friends or we’re together; not fwb. I thought I’d scared him off, until over Christmas a month later he took me on what I think was a date (he asked me, paid, held the door, shared an appetizer, ignored his phone – the whole 9 yards). However, about two weeks later he started dating this girl he’d been talking to, who just the other day dumped him for her ex. All this while, no matter who he’s dated, we’ve been best friends, and I’ve always had the feeling that his feelings towards me have been more than friendship, and I’ve held on hope that we’ll be something more. He’s cared about me, and payed a great amount of attention to me, complimenting my looks, remembering things I say, and showing genuine interest in my life. My questions for you are: is he interested in me in that way, and if so, to what extent? Was it a date in December? And, what do I do next? Thank you for taking the time to read this and consider my questions. I’ve just got this feeling about this guy, and if I didn’t, I’d probably not be asking for advice on this.

Hi Abby. Thanks for reading my article and for the message. It does sound like your relationship is a little complicated and you will never know the answers to these questions unless you talk to him honestly about all this. Communication is key. He needs to know what you want from him (exclusivity? commitment? romance?) and you need to know what he really wants from you. If he is really a good friend, you should be able to sit down and have a straight heart-to-heart talk about what you both really want from each other, especially after so many years of friendship. Hope this helps!  Good luck. Kiki

Do you want to be married in two years or less? Contact me today!
 
As Seen In EBONY Magazine
photo
Kiki Strickland
Married in 2 Years or Less Dating Coach
 

How she met her husband

weddingcouple2

Hi Ladies,

I am doing a new series for my blogtalk show “Dating Talk with Kiki Strickland.”  For this series I am interviewing married women on how they met their hubbies.  I know many of you single ladies want to know HOW to find your Mr. Right and that is what I am here for.  In my coaching practice we figure out WHERE the type of men you want to date are and how to meet and start dating them.  I am there every step of the way to help you navigate the process from dating to engagement to marriage.

This new series will provide you with more knowledge on where and how YOU can meet your future mate.  It always helps to hear others’ stories, be inspired and know that it WILL happen to you next.

Listen to the first show HERE with owner of Caressence Therapeutic Massage, Mrs. Nichole Ruffin and how she met her husband Lewis on Saturday at 9AM.

If you want to be married in the next two years, contact me today!
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 

Meeting men while travelling

travellers

I just returned from a trip to Paris.  I LOVED Paris.  I am making plans to return next year so stay tuned for how you can join us!

While in Paris I met several men.  One I asked for directions and he ended up walking me half way to my destination, chatting and showing me photos of his family and their home in Morocco.  He was so nice that we ended up exchanging business cards.  We were expecting the French to be standoffish but were pleasantly surprised the people were so friendly.  Especially the men.  Two ladies on the trip with me got asked out on dates.  I want to talk about meeting men while traveling.

You should be meeting new people EVERYWHERE you go.  When you are open and friendly, people are drawn to you.  That should never stop.  Always be polite and cordial and make eye contact with those around you.

One of the women asked out while in Paris asked me what I thought.  Should she go?  And if so, should she take her friend with her?

I think it is fine to go out on a date while in another country!  Of course!  Why not?  As long as you are using wisdom (don’t ever get into a guy’s car or go to his place on the first date) and being safe, it is perfectly fine to meet him at a restaurant or cafe/coffee shop to find out more about him.  In the case with the woman on my trip, she could have brought her girlfriend along to the restaurant and her friend could have sat at the bar while they got a table and chatted.  It would not be kosher to bring a friend along on a date and let the friend join you.  But yes, the friend could have sat elsewhere until the date was over.  Then when the date is over, you leave with your friend, not the guy!

You never want a stranger to know where you are staying.  It is gentlemanly for him to offer to walk or drive you back but decline.  He can hail a cab for you or walk you to the subway, though.

Now some of you may be thinking, but if I am not interested in a long distance relationship, why would I go out with a man while I am travelling?  Because it is not your job to figure out if it would have to be a long distance relationship.  That’s his job.  If he likes you, he will have to figure out how to make it work.  You don’t know everything about him yet.  He may have a house or relatives in the States.  He may own his own business and be able to work from anywhere.  It is not your job to assume anything.  Just find out.  And that is what the date is for, to learn more about him.

Opportunities pass us by because we do not take advantage of them or recognize them. Or we sabotage ourselves by talking ourselves OUT of opportunities before they can really even materialize.  If he seems like a decent guy, at least commit to learning more.  Give him your email address so he can follow up with you when you return.

I know an American woman that met her husband while vacationing in London.  Now they both live here in the States.  He wooed her, found a job here in the US and proposed.  She was not open to dating him across ‘the pond’ so he found a way to make it happen for them.  When a man is in love, he finds a way!  They are now married with two kids.

We will be headed back to Paris next April, so if you would like to join us, send me an email to info@kikistrickland.com to find out more.  We are also going to Italy in 2017.  My retreats have thus far been domestic, but that may change, so check out my retreat page at kikistrickland.com.

Happy Dating!

If you want to be married in the next two years, contact me today!
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 

 

Never beg a man to marry you

Some of you watch the Real Housewives of Potomac so you know who I am about to write about.  I just watched The Reunion Part 2 of the show and found out that Katie is no longer engaged to Andrew.  We all watched during the season as she hinted, harped on, prodded and poked Andrew about getting engaged.

katie

Turns out that he DID propose at the end of the season, but by the time the reunion aired the relationship was already over.

I want to talk about this because as a dating coach with a program called “Married in 2 Years or Less” many think that I advocate rushing into marriage or trying to get the ring immediately or by any means necessary.  No way.  Not at all!  I was just as surprised by Katie’s behavior as the rest of you viewers.  While it is OK, of course, to want engagement and want to move into the next phase of your relationship, continuously asking your man or hinting you think it should happen doesn’t usually work well.

Here is what I believe and teach:  You only need to say things once.  And then if it doesn’t happen, you remove yourself.  Nagging never produces the results you really want.  I call my program “Married in 2 Years or Less” because I don’t believe you should DATE someone for longer than two years without the ring coming, if marriage is your goal and you are over 30.  If neither you nor your man feel like you two are the right fit by then, move on.  If you feel like you are the right fit but he doesn’t, move on.  More time does not usually convince him.  I believe you should say in the beginning of your relationship, such as when he brings up the two of you becoming exclusive, that you only believe in dating a couple of years at most before knowing if you want to make it permanent or not.  You should only say it then before the relationship really gets started so he knows up front.

Hopefully he realizes he has two years to get it together and propose.

But if he doesn’t…

Around the two year mark if he has not brought up getting engaged or looking at rings or anything like that, you can mention it one more time only.  You can say it even in a joking way, like “Hmmm…we’ve been dating almost two years.  I guess we only have three more months to decide on what we want to do.”

He may ask what you mean, if he has forgotten.  So you re-iterate that you don’t believe in dating for YEARS and YEARS and that if you two do not think you want to take the next steps after two years, maybe it means the two of you aren’t sure about each other.  Most women are afraid to rock the boat.  They are afraid that if they stick to their own time line, he will walk.  Or they are like Katie and start to wine and nag about getting engaged.  But if you take the more practical approach I have suggested, you can have a real conversation about where you both are.  If he is really in love with you, this will cause him to reassure you on his intentions.  If he is not (believe me, he already knows whether he wants to marry you or not), he will not want to talk about it or act indifferent or get upset.  Any of those answers means you will have to walk away before you waste any more time.

It is better to walk away than stay for a few more years with the same result.  Men know very quickly if they feel like you are the One or not.  They may not be ready for marriage despite knowing you are the One for them, but it is not your job to wait around until they get ready.  They tend to get ready quicker when you walk.

I hope it works out for Katie, either with Andrew or a new man.

If you want to be married in the next two years, contact me today!
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 

Ask Kiki – He doesn’t want anyone to know I’m his girlfriend…

Dear Kiki,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now but it is starting to bother me that no one else on his side knows about us.  All my friends know I have a man but they have never met him.  He doesn’t want to come to anything public.  He doesn’t even want any photos of us on Facebook.  Should I be bothered by this?  I feel like he loves me and when we are together everything is great, so maybe I should just be happy, right?

Amelia*

Hi Amelia,

What is his reason for this?  Does he know that this is bothering you?  Those are the two questions that need to be answered.  You did not mention his reasoning behind your relationship really being somewhat of a secret.  Is he unsure where the relationship is going?  Are you even sure that the two of you are really in an exclusive, committed relationship?

Is he really private in general?   Does he not post anything at all to Facebook?

I can’t really speak to his actions specifically but I will say that in general when a man is happy and feeling in love, he does let other people know.  He is not ‘hiding’ the relationship or pretending you two aren’t together.  Most guys know that it makes us happy to post pics (they really don’t care about all that public stuff themselves and wouldn’t even take photos if not for us).  They know that we females like to attend events together and have our guy meet our friends.

When a guy is serious about a woman he usually wants her to meet the important people in his life.  But that doesn’t mean it happens right away.  Since it has been a year, though, I would question how serious he is about you.  He has been dating you a year and no one he hangs out with knows you?  Let him know that you feel like it is time to meet some of his family and friends.  I am assuming he has family and friends, because if not, there may be an even bigger problem.

If he is more of a loner, doesn’t really have friends and is not close to his family, that is a different story.  But you two still must have a conversation about this.  You do not want to be in a “relationship” with someone that may not be comfortable enough with it to share it with others.

Hope this helps!

If you want to be on the path to marriage in two years or less, join my Married in 2 Years or Less Program.  Details are at http://www.kikistrickland.com

Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 
As featured in EBONY Magazine

Ask Kiki – “He wanted to be exclusive after the 1st date…”

As a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through.  I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues.  I have changed the names to protect the identities of the parties involved.  Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.

Do you want to be married in two years or less? Contact me today!
 
photoAs Seen In EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland
Married in 2 Years or Less Dating Coach
 

Question from Lucille*

Kiki, can you help me?  What does it mean when a guy wants to be exclusive immediately?  I have encountered two guys online that wanted to jump fast into a relationship.  One wanted to be exclusive after the first date.   Is this normal?  Thanks for any insight you can provide.

Hi Lucille,

Thank you for the question.  You are not the first woman that has mentioned men who seem to want to get serious really fast – like before you even know their last name.  I would be cautious when they start talking exclusivity before they really know you yet.   It could be that they are running game – meaning they like to have women wrapped up into them fast, create false intimacy and exit just as fast as they came in.

Or it could mean they are insecure and feel needy and want to ‘claim’ you before anyone else can take you away from them, since they feel they have found a good thing.

Or they are in love with love and like the feeling the beginnings of a relationship brings – they love feeling like the woman is perfect and this is new relationship is the greatest thing on earth…which always starts to fade as soon as they see the woman is real with flaws and bad days and issues just like any one else.  Then they are gone.

In any case, they are gone just as fast as they arrived most of the time.

I caution all women to take the time to get to know a man before you commit.  How long is enough time?  I would say at least date him for six weeks before you even THINK of seeing ONLY him and cutting off another potentials.  Six weeks should mean about six or seven dates.  You should NOT be seeing him every day or too much during one week.  That is how the false intimacy starts.  You spend a lot of time with him immediately and start to feel that you really know him when you don’t.

The Rules book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider has it right when they wrote Rule 13 – Only See Him Once or Twice A Week in the beginning stages.  You can increase the time once you have known him longer but it should never be the majority of the week until you are engaged.  Too much too soon definitely leads to problems.

I had one client that ignored this rule and saw a guy she just met for five straight days in a row.  They were having great fun and even started planning a trip away together.  I told her it was definitely too much too soon but she said that he was perfect for her and she thought he was The One.  On the fifth day, after they had a fabulously long date, he told her he would call her the next morning.  She never heard from him again.

Anyone can be Mr. Perfect or Ms. Perfect for a week.  It is time that will reveal all – motives, intentions, the true character of a person, how they handle things, etc.

Steve Harvey also mentions the 90-Day Rule in his first book.  He said you should not sleep with the guy for the first three months.  This is BASIC advice.  You are barely even scratching the surface on a person’s character in three months.  I agree with Steve that intimacy should wait.  In fact, I teach my clients to guard their hearts and not fall too quickly for a man.  Let him prove he is who he says he is and prove he really feels about you how he says he does.

Some men will turn on the charm really quick by telling you you are The One and that he has never met anyone like you.  He may say that he just knows that the relationship is ‘right’ and he wants to take down his online profile and for you to do the same.  If you just met him yesterday, I would not agree to that.  One client told me that an online guy she had not even met yet told her in the second phone conversation that he wanted exclusivity with her.  He had not even seen her face in person!  And he didn’t even live in her area.

Another client had a guy tell her he preferred to talk a lot on the phone to get to know each other before spending time in person, even though he lived nearby.  He wanted to talk for HOURS on the phone about all kinds of personal issues and kept putting off meeting face to face.  I told her he was trying to create a false intimacy.  Men know that when you share your feelings and emotions with them, you feel close to them.

Don’t fall for that stuff.  Make a sound decision after at least six in-person dates.  After that it is OK to become exclusive with him to see where it is really going, but don’t start planning the wedding yet.  At least stick to Steve Harvey’s 90-Day Rule on the physical stuff (I personally say wait even longer – wait as long as you can!!!) and observe him, learn about him, watch his behavior towards you and let him show you over time if this thing is going to work between you.

There is no need to rush.  In fact, I say you should have two years.

If you want to be married in the next two years, contact me today!
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 

 

Ask Kiki – Five Reasons He Won’t Commit

As a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through.  I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues.  I have changed the names to protect the identities of the parties involved.  Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.

Do you want to be married in two years or less? Contact me today!
 
photoAs Seen In EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland
Married in 2 Years or Less Dating Coach
 

Question from Gigi*

Hi there! I read your article about the five reasons a guy won’t commit in YourTango – http://www.yourtango.com/experts/matchmaker-kiki-strickland/five-reasons-why-he-won-t-commit –and I’m wondering what advice you have if I’m in a #4 and also it’s pretty confusing and I love him but not sure what to do. I feel like i am in #2 or #5 but we talk about it a lot and get into arguments how it’s our behavior and personalities that clash but hard to let go of each other bc the desire to want to be with one another is still there. He says we started wrong and won’t admit it’s his insecurities but I see a point still so very confused. Any advice would be much appreciated. Feeling Stuck for like over a year.

Hi Gigi,

Thanks for the question. If you want a committed relationship but he is not giving you one, why are you staying with him? Regardless of the reason why, you are not getting what you want.  So why stay?

It really doesn’t matter if you are a #2 or 3 or 5 in the article I wrote – the bottom line is that this is not working for you.  Women stay because they have gotten too attached to the guy to leave.  The ironic thing is that leaving is the only thing that is going to make it work – IF it is going to work.  He must know you can walk away from him.  He values you if you can walk away.  It means you value yourself more than you do him, and that is a turn on to men.  They want someone that doesn’t NEED to be with them.  They want a woman that values herself too much to be treated badly or to stay when she is not getting what she wants.  It is called confidence, self-esteem and knowing your worth.

You deserve more and you should demand it.  Walk away if he is not willing to give it.

It is not your job to figure out how to make it work – that’s his job.  Let him do it when he realizes he no longer will have you.

Hope this helps.  Contact me for a consultation at kikistrickland.com/the-program

Happy Dating.

Kiki Strickland