Never beg a man to marry you

Some of you watch the Real Housewives of Potomac so you know who I am about to write about.  I just watched The Reunion Part 2 of the show and found out that Katie is no longer engaged to Andrew.  We all watched during the season as she hinted, harped on, prodded and poked Andrew about getting engaged.

katie

Turns out that he DID propose at the end of the season, but by the time the reunion aired the relationship was already over.

I want to talk about this because as a dating coach with a program called “Married in 2 Years or Less” many think that I advocate rushing into marriage or trying to get the ring immediately or by any means necessary.  No way.  Not at all!  I was just as surprised by Katie’s behavior as the rest of you viewers.  While it is OK, of course, to want engagement and want to move into the next phase of your relationship, continuously asking your man or hinting you think it should happen doesn’t usually work well.

Here is what I believe and teach:  You only need to say things once.  And then if it doesn’t happen, you remove yourself.  Nagging never produces the results you really want.  I call my program “Married in 2 Years or Less” because I don’t believe you should DATE someone for longer than two years without the ring coming, if marriage is your goal and you are over 30.  If neither you nor your man feel like you two are the right fit by then, move on.  If you feel like you are the right fit but he doesn’t, move on.  More time does not usually convince him.  I believe you should say in the beginning of your relationship, such as when he brings up the two of you becoming exclusive, that you only believe in dating a couple of years at most before knowing if you want to make it permanent or not.  You should only say it then before the relationship really gets started so he knows up front.

Hopefully he realizes he has two years to get it together and propose.

But if he doesn’t…

Around the two year mark if he has not brought up getting engaged or looking at rings or anything like that, you can mention it one more time only.  You can say it even in a joking way, like “Hmmm…we’ve been dating almost two years.  I guess we only have three more months to decide on what we want to do.”

He may ask what you mean, if he has forgotten.  So you re-iterate that you don’t believe in dating for YEARS and YEARS and that if you two do not think you want to take the next steps after two years, maybe it means the two of you aren’t sure about each other.  Most women are afraid to rock the boat.  They are afraid that if they stick to their own time line, he will walk.  Or they are like Katie and start to wine and nag about getting engaged.  But if you take the more practical approach I have suggested, you can have a real conversation about where you both are.  If he is really in love with you, this will cause him to reassure you on his intentions.  If he is not (believe me, he already knows whether he wants to marry you or not), he will not want to talk about it or act indifferent or get upset.  Any of those answers means you will have to walk away before you waste any more time.

It is better to walk away than stay for a few more years with the same result.  Men know very quickly if they feel like you are the One or not.  They may not be ready for marriage despite knowing you are the One for them, but it is not your job to wait around until they get ready.  They tend to get ready quicker when you walk.

I hope it works out for Katie, either with Andrew or a new man.

If you want to be married in the next two years, contact me today!
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 

Ask Kiki – He doesn’t want anyone to know I’m his girlfriend…

Dear Kiki,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year now but it is starting to bother me that no one else on his side knows about us.  All my friends know I have a man but they have never met him.  He doesn’t want to come to anything public.  He doesn’t even want any photos of us on Facebook.  Should I be bothered by this?  I feel like he loves me and when we are together everything is great, so maybe I should just be happy, right?

Amelia*

Hi Amelia,

What is his reason for this?  Does he know that this is bothering you?  Those are the two questions that need to be answered.  You did not mention his reasoning behind your relationship really being somewhat of a secret.  Is he unsure where the relationship is going?  Are you even sure that the two of you are really in an exclusive, committed relationship?

Is he really private in general?   Does he not post anything at all to Facebook?

I can’t really speak to his actions specifically but I will say that in general when a man is happy and feeling in love, he does let other people know.  He is not ‘hiding’ the relationship or pretending you two aren’t together.  Most guys know that it makes us happy to post pics (they really don’t care about all that public stuff themselves and wouldn’t even take photos if not for us).  They know that we females like to attend events together and have our guy meet our friends.

When a guy is serious about a woman he usually wants her to meet the important people in his life.  But that doesn’t mean it happens right away.  Since it has been a year, though, I would question how serious he is about you.  He has been dating you a year and no one he hangs out with knows you?  Let him know that you feel like it is time to meet some of his family and friends.  I am assuming he has family and friends, because if not, there may be an even bigger problem.

If he is more of a loner, doesn’t really have friends and is not close to his family, that is a different story.  But you two still must have a conversation about this.  You do not want to be in a “relationship” with someone that may not be comfortable enough with it to share it with others.

Hope this helps!

If you want to be on the path to marriage in two years or less, join my Married in 2 Years or Less Program.  Details are at http://www.kikistrickland.com

Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 
As featured in EBONY Magazine

Ask Kiki – “He wanted to be exclusive after the 1st date…”

As a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through.  I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues.  I have changed the names to protect the identities of the parties involved.  Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.

Do you want to be married in two years or less? Contact me today!
 
photoAs Seen In EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland
Married in 2 Years or Less Dating Coach
 

Question from Lucille*

Kiki, can you help me?  What does it mean when a guy wants to be exclusive immediately?  I have encountered two guys online that wanted to jump fast into a relationship.  One wanted to be exclusive after the first date.   Is this normal?  Thanks for any insight you can provide.

Hi Lucille,

Thank you for the question.  You are not the first woman that has mentioned men who seem to want to get serious really fast – like before you even know their last name.  I would be cautious when they start talking exclusivity before they really know you yet.   It could be that they are running game – meaning they like to have women wrapped up into them fast, create false intimacy and exit just as fast as they came in.

Or it could mean they are insecure and feel needy and want to ‘claim’ you before anyone else can take you away from them, since they feel they have found a good thing.

Or they are in love with love and like the feeling the beginnings of a relationship brings – they love feeling like the woman is perfect and this is new relationship is the greatest thing on earth…which always starts to fade as soon as they see the woman is real with flaws and bad days and issues just like any one else.  Then they are gone.

In any case, they are gone just as fast as they arrived most of the time.

I caution all women to take the time to get to know a man before you commit.  How long is enough time?  I would say at least date him for six weeks before you even THINK of seeing ONLY him and cutting off another potentials.  Six weeks should mean about six or seven dates.  You should NOT be seeing him every day or too much during one week.  That is how the false intimacy starts.  You spend a lot of time with him immediately and start to feel that you really know him when you don’t.

The Rules book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider has it right when they wrote Rule 13 – Only See Him Once or Twice A Week in the beginning stages.  You can increase the time once you have known him longer but it should never be the majority of the week until you are engaged.  Too much too soon definitely leads to problems.

I had one client that ignored this rule and saw a guy she just met for five straight days in a row.  They were having great fun and even started planning a trip away together.  I told her it was definitely too much too soon but she said that he was perfect for her and she thought he was The One.  On the fifth day, after they had a fabulously long date, he told her he would call her the next morning.  She never heard from him again.

Anyone can be Mr. Perfect or Ms. Perfect for a week.  It is time that will reveal all – motives, intentions, the true character of a person, how they handle things, etc.

Steve Harvey also mentions the 90-Day Rule in his first book.  He said you should not sleep with the guy for the first three months.  This is BASIC advice.  You are barely even scratching the surface on a person’s character in three months.  I agree with Steve that intimacy should wait.  In fact, I teach my clients to guard their hearts and not fall too quickly for a man.  Let him prove he is who he says he is and prove he really feels about you how he says he does.

Some men will turn on the charm really quick by telling you you are The One and that he has never met anyone like you.  He may say that he just knows that the relationship is ‘right’ and he wants to take down his online profile and for you to do the same.  If you just met him yesterday, I would not agree to that.  One client told me that an online guy she had not even met yet told her in the second phone conversation that he wanted exclusivity with her.  He had not even seen her face in person!  And he didn’t even live in her area.

Another client had a guy tell her he preferred to talk a lot on the phone to get to know each other before spending time in person, even though he lived nearby.  He wanted to talk for HOURS on the phone about all kinds of personal issues and kept putting off meeting face to face.  I told her he was trying to create a false intimacy.  Men know that when you share your feelings and emotions with them, you feel close to them.

Don’t fall for that stuff.  Make a sound decision after at least six in-person dates.  After that it is OK to become exclusive with him to see where it is really going, but don’t start planning the wedding yet.  At least stick to Steve Harvey’s 90-Day Rule on the physical stuff (I personally say wait even longer – wait as long as you can!!!) and observe him, learn about him, watch his behavior towards you and let him show you over time if this thing is going to work between you.

There is no need to rush.  In fact, I say you should have two years.

If you want to be married in the next two years, contact me today!
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 

 

Ask Kiki – Five Reasons He Won’t Commit

As a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through.  I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues.  I have changed the names to protect the identities of the parties involved.  Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.

Do you want to be married in two years or less? Contact me today!
 
photoAs Seen In EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland
Married in 2 Years or Less Dating Coach
 

Question from Gigi*

Hi there! I read your article about the five reasons a guy won’t commit in YourTango – http://www.yourtango.com/experts/matchmaker-kiki-strickland/five-reasons-why-he-won-t-commit –and I’m wondering what advice you have if I’m in a #4 and also it’s pretty confusing and I love him but not sure what to do. I feel like i am in #2 or #5 but we talk about it a lot and get into arguments how it’s our behavior and personalities that clash but hard to let go of each other bc the desire to want to be with one another is still there. He says we started wrong and won’t admit it’s his insecurities but I see a point still so very confused. Any advice would be much appreciated. Feeling Stuck for like over a year.

Hi Gigi,

Thanks for the question. If you want a committed relationship but he is not giving you one, why are you staying with him? Regardless of the reason why, you are not getting what you want.  So why stay?

It really doesn’t matter if you are a #2 or 3 or 5 in the article I wrote – the bottom line is that this is not working for you.  Women stay because they have gotten too attached to the guy to leave.  The ironic thing is that leaving is the only thing that is going to make it work – IF it is going to work.  He must know you can walk away from him.  He values you if you can walk away.  It means you value yourself more than you do him, and that is a turn on to men.  They want someone that doesn’t NEED to be with them.  They want a woman that values herself too much to be treated badly or to stay when she is not getting what she wants.  It is called confidence, self-esteem and knowing your worth.

You deserve more and you should demand it.  Walk away if he is not willing to give it.

It is not your job to figure out how to make it work – that’s his job.  Let him do it when he realizes he no longer will have you.

Hope this helps.  Contact me for a consultation at kikistrickland.com/the-program

Happy Dating.

Kiki Strickland

 

Ask Kiki – How Should I Wear My Hair for Dating?

As a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through.  I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues.  I have changed the names* to protect the identities of the parties involved.  Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.Ask Kiki banner2

QUESTION:

Hi Kiki.  I am going through a transition with my hair (relaxed to natural) and at your seminar at Lord & Taylor you mentioned assessing what has worked well with men.  I honestly don’t know what has worked for me as there has been long periods of time where I wasn’t getting any attention at all, and some where it seemed like I was meeting a lot of men at one time.  This was before I decided to go natural so I am now clueless as what to do.  Help!

Jackie*

Hi Jackie,

Hair questions are common, even for men.  I was recently asked by a male client if he should go bald again.  He said that when he was bald it was harder for women to ascertain his age.  He said he looked younger and it was also harder to tell his ethnicity when he was bald.

“Why did you grow your hair back then?” I asked.

He shrugged and said that it was probably because the weather got colder.

This is the very point that I brought up at the Lord & Taylor event.  If you know that something has worked for you in the past with the opposite sex, keep using it!  This is especially the case if you changed that thing and did not get better results.

I wrote a post a few years ago on LONG HAIR VS SHORT HAIR (read it here).  I said that most men prefer their women to have longer hair because men perceive longer hair as more feminine on a woman than a shorter cut.  But if you get more attention from men when your hair is short, wear it short.  By all means evaluate what works and what doesn’t and do what works.

It may take some time.

So Jackie, since now your hair is natural, you will have to find a style that flatters you.  It is definitely OK to also grow your hair natural at home while out in public you wear pretty scarves, hats, wigs, hairpieces, weaves or anything else you like your look in.  I know of some natural women who cut their hair secretly to transition, but bought wigs the length their hair had been when relaxed and no one was the wiser.  In other words, the general population does not have to be in on your transition phase at all, if you choose to keep it secret, especially on dates.

If you do cut it off and do the big chop, you may find you love it short and feel so sexy and confident that men are flocking your way.  You can test it out with a short wig before you cut it if you haven’t already.

Do like the celebrities, try many styles and see which looks bring the men.

Which styles do you like below?  Natural or relaxed?  Long or short?

long1

long3

long5

long4

long0

long6

Let me know how it works out.  Send me a pic!
Thanks,
Kiki
If you want to be married in the next two years, contact me today!
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 

Ask Kiki – I’ve been seeing this guy for 5 months and he still won’t make it official..

Ask Kiki banner2

As a dating coach I am often sent questions about specific love life situations that women are going through.  I have decided to post some of those here in my blog because I realize that many of YOU are going through similar issues.  I have changed the names to protect the identities of the parties involved.  Feel free to comment below if any of these situations resonate with you.

Do you want to be married in two years or less? Contact me today!
 
As Seen In EBONY Magazine
photo
Kiki Strickland
“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach
 

Question from Wendy*

Hi I saw an article online that you had written, 5 reasons he won’t commit in YourTango.com. I’ve been seeing this guy for 5 months and he still won’t make it official.. I’ve brought it up several times and we end up fighting. Last time I brought it up he said it was me, that since I didn’t give him head he couldn’t see me being his girlfriend. It’s not a big deal to me so I said I would etc… Then I asked again same convo and he said what’s it going to change? I ended up breaking it off and he texted me a few hours later saying how he cares about me etc. Still nothing… I don’t know what to do, I really like him, more than any other guy I’ve ever been with. He treats me like We are together.. We hang out 3-4 times a week. We go on dates, go to the beach, took me on a great outing for my birthday. I’m confused and I don’t know if I should continue giving him time or leave for good.. Some background.. He won’t do sleep overs (I’m 24 and he is 28) even though we live 2 min down the road from each other. We don’t talk on the phone, and I’m the one who has to ask to hang out.. He says he likes to feel loved… Ugh, I would really like some professional answers and not from friends and family… Thank you!!

Hi Wendy,
There was a similar question a few weeks ago from a woman who said that she felt like she was in a relationship but the man she was seeing kept saying they were not.  And guess what?  They were not.   If a man says you are not his girlfriend, believe him.

The dynamics are all wrong in your relationship. It sounds like you have been doing the pursuing.  You said you are the one that asks to hang out with him.  He doesn’t even sound very interested in you.  Yes, when you are together, he is fun and you enjoy yourself.  But he doesn’t call you or ask you out or want to stay over.

Women tend to think that if a man has a good time with her and likes having sex with her, he is considering her for a real relationship.  No!  He wants nothing more than to have sex and spend a little time with you…that is all.  If he said he can’t see you as his girlfriend or doesn’t want to talk about it, that is your answer. You are wasting your time with him.   Cut him off.  Unless he comes back to you ready to commit, there is no reason to continue with him.

It is a hard truth to take, but you must or you will keep wasting your time on him instead of finding the man that does want to commit to you and you only.

Let me know if you need to do a phone session, which is available on my website at www.kikistrickland.com.  Good luck!
Kiki

If you want to be married in the next two years, contact me today!
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006

 

Why He Chose Another Woman

Ladies, this post is by someone else.  What do you think of her points?

infidelity couple

Why He Disappeared or Chose the Other Woman Over You

By DeAnna Lorraine

Thought you had a great date with a guy…But then he never called? Or perhaps you were dating a guy and you thought everything was going swell… But then he suddenly went MIA or he ditched you for someone else? Well, men look for certain things in the early dating stages and if the guy you were into suddenly disappeared or ditched you for another woman, here are some of the most common reasons why…

Why a man would choose another Girl over you:

  1. She was in better physical shape, or looks better all around. Remember men are VISUAL creatures! Physical appearance and body upkeep is #1 on their Attraction Radar. This is especially important if you’re a woman over 30 to make sure you’re in very good shape, your body is toned and fit, and your style is put-together, feminine and flattering on you.
  1. She was more of a challenge – And if YOU were too available and into him. When a man is choosing between women, he will always be much more drawn to a woman that poses more of a challenge to him, and doesn’t put it all out there for him to see right away. Ever notice how in The Bachelor, the poor (but dumb) girls who always cry and pour their hearts out to him, proclaiming their love for him…Always get dumped at the end?? That’s not a coincidence.
  1. She was more exciting & FUN– and seems more adventurous. There’s nothing more appealing to a man than a great woman who knows how to relax, let loose, and have fun. You can do this through playful teasing, flirting, and being unpredictable (in a good way). Women who project an image that’s too conservative and rigid will extinguish a man’s interest in you for a long-term potential.
  1. She was more confident & emotionally stable. If you are displaying insecurities and projecting a low self-image, a man is going to choose a more confident woman over you, and he is going to place you in the “Temporary” category.

Note:  This is another dating coach’s perspective and I agree with a lot of it.  But if you’d like to know more about my perspective, you can download my free dating podcasts at http://www.kikistrickland.com/free-stuff

Happy Dating!

If you want to be married in the next two years, contact me today!
As featured in EBONY Magazine
Kiki Strickland

“Married in 2 Years or Less” Dating Coach

p: 202-718-7797 a: 1629 K St NW Suite 300 Washington, DC 20006