Kiki Strickland

The Rules part 2

In Uncategorized on April 13, 2014 at 11:17 am

So I was talking last week about The Rules.  I pointed out some of the ones that I do not agree with.  There are many Rules that I DO support and teach my clients!  Here are 10 that I fully believe in:

  1. Don’t Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
  2. Don’t Tell Him What to Do
  3. Let Him Take the Lead
  4. Don’t Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
  5. Don’t Open Up Too Fast
  6. Be Honest but Mysterious
  7. Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
  8. Don’t Date a Married Man
  9. Love Only Those Who Love You
  10. Be Easy to Live With

and also these from another version of The Rules:

  • Rule #23: Don’t be self-destructive by dating married, unavailable, and other mixed-messages guys.
  • Rule #24: Stop dating a guy who cancels more than once. (unless he really does have a job that is prone to emergencies, like a EMT, firefighter, doctor, or other on-call at a moments notice job)
  • Rule #26: Don’t accept booty calls or meaningless hookups.

These Rules above are actually good rules to follow!  Don’t do these!

I will qualify the part about leaving things in his apartment.  I think it is OK to have a drawer or some things in the closet and bathroom when you have been exclusive for a while and of course when you are engaged.  But you still have your place and should be there at least three nights a week until marriage.  He should want to spend more time with you, not wonder when you are going home!  Don’t overstay your welcome, or try to move in without being asked or having a firm commitment (like a ring!).   Some women start leaving things all around this place, like staking her claim.   He starts complaining to his friends that it LOOKS like you have moved in, even though you never talked about it.   If he wants more with you, he will ask you.  Don’t make assumptions and don’t overstay your welcome or leave much of your stuff at his place without him offering.

Again, he should want more, not less!

More about books like this -  women are looking for a formula to follow to get the guy.  They want to find their Mr. Right and if there is something out there (anything!) that says, “Look!  Here is the way that you can get the man you want,” they will try it.  The problem is, there is contradictory information out there so WHICH do you follow???

Ladies, you have to find the coaches and authors that you trust and believe in.  Definitely find at least one who is where you want to be – as far as a relationship is concerned.  If you are following the advice of someone who is not even where you want to be relationship-wise, you may not want what they are teaching!  You may get what they got!

Find the advice that feels right to you and do that.

“The Rules” according to Kiki

In Uncategorized on April 7, 2014 at 6:13 pm

The RulesLast week I interviewed a friend who is a RULES dating coach.  Listen to the show on “Dating Talk with Kiki Strickland” on blogtalk radio.  It was interesting!  I must say that when I read The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider back in the day, I was like, “Yeah, this is what I’m doing already!”  I never called guys back, I didn’t pursue them, I was barely interested and I couldn’t get rid of them!  I had plenty of dates and ‘guy friends’ hanging around.   But that was because I really didn’t like those guys.  When I met one that I thought was the best looking guy I’d ever met, I chased him like a dog runs after a car!  It was terrible!  That is when I really needed the Rules.  Too bad I didn’t remember any of them while I went off the deep end trying my best to get him to like me.  He even at one point insulted my faith/religion and while that was painful, I did not give up the dream and continued to stalk him.

I eventually got him and we dated a few months.  Again, it was awful.  It never felt right to me (the religion thing was a clear sign he wasn’t right for me), I was insecure about this other woman that he had pursued (she wouldn’t give him the time of day, ironically) and in the end he broke up with me when I pulled away without letting him know what was bothering me.

Having said all that as background, I’d like to share my opinion of The Rules now.  I wrote a book called “How Divas Date” (available as an e-book on my website) in 2011 in which I give advice to women on how I think they can meet their Mr. Right and keep him.  While some of the tips may sound a little bit like The Rules, I also recognize that there are MANY Rules that are totally wrong.

I teach flirting classes (check out our next Flirt Night DC on my website for our next one!) and I help women become more approachable, to make eye contact, to make casual conversation and be relaxed around men.   This very hard for some women and they NEVER meet guys while out.  We work on being friendly and getting more comfortable around the opposite sex.  Well, one of the Rules is

Rule #2: Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance).

Rule #5:  Don’t sit or stand next to a guy first or flirt with him first.

I think I’ve also read that you are not to look at men or initiate contact.

I do not agree with these.  In fact, I met my own husband (we married in 2013) at a ski club meeting and I spoke to him first.  I said, “Hello.  Is this your first time here?  I’ve never seen you before.”

I was just being friendly but to this day, he says I was flirting with him.  LOL.  I really wasn’t.  I was just being friendly, but the rest is history.  I did not pursue him by any means.  In fact, I even declined his first few suggestions to hang out.  But when a friend was having a brunch, I decided to invite him along.  Again, I was not thinking ‘date.’   I didn’t even think that we would be more than friends after hanging out a few times, but now we are married.  He was persistent.  He pursued.  Though I talked to him first and I invited him to my friend’s brunch, he definitely made our relationship into something that was more than just friends, when I didn’t think it would be.

I’ll share more about my take on The Rules next week, so stay tuned.

Have you ever been ‘catfished?’

In Uncategorized on April 3, 2014 at 10:16 pm

 

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Yesterday on one of the judge shows there was a case where a young guy was suing a young girl for the cost of his trip out to visit her.  He said he met her on Facebook (in a group where they began to share recipes and chat) and had been ‘in love’ with her, thinking they were in a relationship for the last several months.  He purchased a plane ticket to her town, booked a hotel and now wanted a refund.  He said that she misrepresented herself and did not look like her photo.

The young woman admitted that she posted a photo of her friend on her profile but had no intentions of dating this man.  She said they were just friends and were NOT in a relationship at all.

Now, I have not watched the show called Catfish but I have heard that it is a show where people are tricked (with cameras rolling, of course) by members of the opposite sex (hopefully) through online dating (please correct me if I’m wrong about what goes on on the show).  The show’s website has this as a definition:

catfish [kat-fish] verb: To pretend to be someone you’re not online by posting false information, such as someone else’s pictures, on social media sites usually with the intention of getting someone to fall in love with you.

The judge (I think her name is Karen) was confused by why the young man thought he was ‘dating’ the young woman when he had never even talked to her on the telephone.  She kept saying, “Aren’t there women in your hometown?  Why do you need the internet?”

She is obviously not living in 2014 where most singles are online or meeting through dating apps, but her main question was valid.

HOW CAN YOU THINK YOU ARE IN LOVE WHEN YOU HAVE NEVER MET???

With shows like Catfish and the new show “Online Dating Rituals of the American Male” there is NO EXCUSE for falling for someone when you have no idea if they are who they say they are.  This guy only had chats and emails, not even one phone conversation, yet he spent hundreds of dollars to visit the woman he thought he loved.

Granted the photo of the woman’s friend was very hot, but when she refused to even let him call her or skye or anything, he should have been suspicious.

The real girl looking nothing like the friend’s photo.  She was slightly overweight, had brown hair and an average build.  Her friend was a blonde model.  She said that her friend had no problem with her using her likeness and even wanted her pictures out there more.

I can’t remember how the judge ruled on the case.  Do you think the man should have been reimbursed?  He flew miles in the hopes of finally connecting with his ‘love’ and she was not only a different woman than she represented herself to be, she didn’t even profess to have any interest in him, like it was all a joke.

I think on some smaller level, a lot of us have been fooled by online photos or representation in a person’s profile.

I remember meeting a guy that I had been corresponding with and chatting with on the phone for about a month.  We were very excited about each other and felt an instant connection.  He was so easy to talk to.  But unfortunately, though I had one photo of him from the dating site, when we met in person, he looked totally different to me!  The photo was not inaccurate in hindsight.  It just represented a moment in time that caught him at a certain angle.  It WAS him.  But he was sitting in the photo and I thought he was taller.  He also didn’t have braces in the photo and he now did.  And maybe his hair was different.  I don’t know, he just didn’t live up to the image I had built up of him in my head (based on the one photo I had to go on).  I felt no chemistry or attraction in person.

I always recommend my matchmaking and dating coaching clients post at least three photos (five is good) on their online dating sites.

But regardless of how many photos you think you have of the person, you must MEET them fairly quickly or you are wasting your time.  Things may flow over the phone or by email and text, but that does not mean you will hit it off in person.

And more importantly, singles, do yourself a favor and make sure you do not invest your heart until:

1) You have met at least a few times in person and really gotten to know the person’s character

2) They have started to invest their feelings into the relationship as well (until you talk about exclusivity, assume they are not only seeing you).

Check out my “Dating Talk with Kiki Strickland” blogtalk radio show for more tips on online dating.

  • Catfish: The TV Show is an American reality-based docu-series television series airing on MTV about the truths and lies of online dating. The series is based on the 2010 film Catfish and is hosted by Nev Schulman. Wikipedia
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